RJ:: Contributitions to the Greater Web Community

Regular Joes makes a "big splash" on Stuff Christians Like blog.

#14 RJ:: Literature

I was perusing the May issue of Maxim Magazine and found an interesting segment on the dos and don'ts of pitching a product (interviewing and sales situations). Best advice:

"Don't Eat Mexican. There is more than one story of someone who gambled and lost in their shorts. Execs don't take kindly to your ass putting their couch's Scotchguard to the test."

Carcaterra, Lorenzo; Life's a Pitch; Maxim Magazine Pages 55-57; May 2009.

#13 RJ:: Random Toughts

You'll probably never notice the pool of piss collected under the urinal until the day you realize there is a hole in the bottom of your shoe...

#12 RJ:: Inspiration

The question I hear the most here at Regular Joe's, is what inspired you to branch out in this form of expression? Okay, so it's usually not phrased exactly like that - more often it's, "where do you come up with this sh#t?!" My answer: Wally, from Dilbert. If he were a little taller, had more hair (for now), better eye sight, more motivation, a will to live, some self confidence, lost a little weight.... okay-okay, so except for his love of coffee, we are nothing alike. Still he inspires:

#11 RJ::April Fools Day Guide

Okay pranksters. You’ve been asking for a Regular Joe’s guide to April Fools Day, so here it is. For those of you who may be timid, we’ll start of slow and get more elaborate (read dangerous) as we go.


The Elaine (of Seinfeld fame)
Here’s one for those of you who don’t want to get their hands dirty: take all the paper products from the restroom. That means TP, paper towels, seat covers, news paper – everything. And don’t be lazy and hide them in the garbage can or supply closet, put them in you co-workers office!

The Sponge Bob
This is the quick and dirty prank of the bunch, and as you might expect, possibly the simplest and easiest to pull off as well – at least for men. First and only step: pee on the roll of toilet paper until drenched. If you are a kind hearted prankster, you’ll pull off some of the TP to use as a sort of drip-pan under the roll.

The Upper Decker
This one is a classic. The genius is in the simplicity and the relative ease at which it can be accomplished. In a residential or tank-style toilet, remove the cover to the back tank. Do your business in said tank, and replace cover. Be careful, as this prank can backfire without the proper precautions: make sure your pooh does not hit the inner workings (exposed plumbing) of the tank. Try and get the log(s) to land in the water portion of the tank. Hitting the plumbing may result in the odor to be too prevalent and lead to early detection by your victim – and of course if they catch you; you will in turn be the victim – and have to clean up your own prank.

The Mud Slide
Lesser know, but equally as effective. In this situation, you’ll need a commercial style toilet (more elongated then the residential version) and a low waterline. This can be tricky, and for some may require practice. Step one: void your bladder in another toilet/urinal; you will need a clean DRY surface on the target toilet. Step two: scoot as far forward as possible on the toilet seat. The risk here, is that if you haven’t already peed, you will likely end up peeing on your chinos. Step three: dump – if done properly, the log will stick to the dry surface of the toilet and remain exposed to the air (creating a horrific smell). Often the turd may slide a little, leaving behind the thickest skid marks you’ll ever see (hence the name). Step four: clean up and flush TP in another toilet. Step five: get out of there – no doubt it smells, but more importantly no one should witness your presence. The real brilliance in this prank is that if left even for just a few minutes, it becomes impossible to remove the turd by flushing the toilet and requires someone to physically remove the pile by hand.

The Occupado
This one is extremely elaborate, but altogether safe. This prank is best for commercial, public or work environments. Depending on the number of stalls in your restroom, gather a pair of shoes, pants, and mannequin legs (or stuffing) for each stall. The night before or early that morning set up each stall to make it appear there is someone sitting inside – at least to someone looking under the stall and sees a pair for feet. Lock the stall doors and slide out from under the door. Tip: coordinate with your janitorial staff to ensure this prank will continue throughout the day – they shouldn’t have a problem taking a day off of cleaning the restroom.

The Chocolate Lantern (also know as The Lunar Lander)
This is by far the most difficult and risky* of all the pranks… and the meanest! You’ll need a plunger (the simple cheap kind, not the fancy inside-out ones) and a lot of patience. Note: this will NOT work on a drop ceiling, you need drywall. Carefully fill the plunger cavity with excrement** – preferably in a semi liquid state, use water or pee if you’ve got a collier on you hands. Now, with a moist paper towel, wet the edges of the plunger for a good seal. Stand on the toilet/sink/chair and affix the plunger to the ceiling. RISK: if you push too hard, excess “filler” will squirt from inside the plunger. Once placed on the ceiling, carefully unscrew the plunger shaft from the rubber end. RISK: if not properly sealed, the plunger could fall at any moment. Once the “pod” in place, take the shaft and leave! This prank come to fruition in one of two ways: 1) when the pod spontaneously detaches from the ceiling and explodes upon impact with the ground – bonus if someone is in the room; or 2) when someone notices the plunger cap on the ceiling and attempts to remove it.

* may result in criminal punishment.
**HINT: unscrew rubber end of plunger prior to filling.

I think this is a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure there are more out there. If you have any stories or pranks you’d like to share, please feel free.

#10 RJ::Moral Dilemma

Around mid-day, I made my way down to the local restroom. I noted that I was a little behind schedule, and quickly deduced that it was due to the long weekend. I began pondering what my next post should be about. It had been a while, a week or two at least. I had been juggling a couple different ideas over the weekend, and finally came to my decision: my new briefs.

Yeah, I know my underwear doesn't necessarily fall into the category of this blog, but I had just bought some new ones and was thoroughly impressed with their performance. But was I impressed enough to give a gushing product review? Yes, yes I was.

Men, you've seen the commercial with Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen (previously co-staring Cuba Gooding Jr.) for Hanes Boxer Briefs; with their Comfort Soft waist band, tag-less inside and "no-rise" technology that keeps the legs from riding up. I had just recently bought a pack, and was surprised by the quality of the new briefs.

Over the past year or so, I've been slowly converting from boxers to boxer briefs. The biggest complaint I had thus far was the "riding up" of the leg portion of the briefs. Hanes has forever solved this problem - and I felt my reader(s) should know about it.

So there I sat, thinking of clever ways to describe under ware and justify how they applied to this blog. Once I had finished my deed, and felt had sufficient material for a post I began wrapping up my stall session... only there wasn't any toilet paper!

I had been so preoccupied in my thoughts, I had failed to notice the most basic of toiletry needs was missing. I took stock of my situation: there was no chance for a reach around (grab TP from stall next door), so I needed to move over a stall or two. A quick check for feet, and a peek at the sinks showed I was alone in the bathroom. I needed to act fast, as at any moment someone could walk in and trap me in my stall. I jumped into the next available stall and completed by business.

It was then that I realized I was now in the crux of a moral dilemma: should I go back and flush the turd in the previous stall or not?

On the one hand, if I don't flush the visibly used stall will serve as a warning to others that they should try a different stall. Also, if left untouched until the custodial engineer comes, it will punish him/her for not refilling the dispenser with TP.

Or, if you look at another way, its just gross. No one should have to see that. Even worse, it might distract the janitor from noticing that the stall is out of TP.

Ultimately, I took into account an unforeseen variable - someone walked into the bathroom as I was exiting stall two - and therefore I chose not to flush. Was it the right decision? I don't know.

What would you have done in this situation?

#9 RJ::Words to live by...

Back when I was in college (nearing ten years ago), a professor of mine gave some simple yet profound advice:

"Whenever you go on a job interview, make sure to check out the bathroom. A company that takes care of their bathrooms, will take care of there employees."

He also went on to clarify that you should be sure it's the employee bathroom and not the customer or executive bathroom.

So, even though I thought it was a little hokey at first, from that day on any job interview I went on I was sure to scope out a restroom or two. And to date, I am convinced of his simple wisdom as being true.

All that said, what does your work bathroom say about your employer, and do you agree?