#12 RJ:: Inspiration

The question I hear the most here at Regular Joe's, is what inspired you to branch out in this form of expression? Okay, so it's usually not phrased exactly like that - more often it's, "where do you come up with this sh#t?!" My answer: Wally, from Dilbert. If he were a little taller, had more hair (for now), better eye sight, more motivation, a will to live, some self confidence, lost a little weight.... okay-okay, so except for his love of coffee, we are nothing alike. Still he inspires:

#11 RJ::April Fools Day Guide

Okay pranksters. You’ve been asking for a Regular Joe’s guide to April Fools Day, so here it is. For those of you who may be timid, we’ll start of slow and get more elaborate (read dangerous) as we go.


The Elaine (of Seinfeld fame)
Here’s one for those of you who don’t want to get their hands dirty: take all the paper products from the restroom. That means TP, paper towels, seat covers, news paper – everything. And don’t be lazy and hide them in the garbage can or supply closet, put them in you co-workers office!

The Sponge Bob
This is the quick and dirty prank of the bunch, and as you might expect, possibly the simplest and easiest to pull off as well – at least for men. First and only step: pee on the roll of toilet paper until drenched. If you are a kind hearted prankster, you’ll pull off some of the TP to use as a sort of drip-pan under the roll.

The Upper Decker
This one is a classic. The genius is in the simplicity and the relative ease at which it can be accomplished. In a residential or tank-style toilet, remove the cover to the back tank. Do your business in said tank, and replace cover. Be careful, as this prank can backfire without the proper precautions: make sure your pooh does not hit the inner workings (exposed plumbing) of the tank. Try and get the log(s) to land in the water portion of the tank. Hitting the plumbing may result in the odor to be too prevalent and lead to early detection by your victim – and of course if they catch you; you will in turn be the victim – and have to clean up your own prank.

The Mud Slide
Lesser know, but equally as effective. In this situation, you’ll need a commercial style toilet (more elongated then the residential version) and a low waterline. This can be tricky, and for some may require practice. Step one: void your bladder in another toilet/urinal; you will need a clean DRY surface on the target toilet. Step two: scoot as far forward as possible on the toilet seat. The risk here, is that if you haven’t already peed, you will likely end up peeing on your chinos. Step three: dump – if done properly, the log will stick to the dry surface of the toilet and remain exposed to the air (creating a horrific smell). Often the turd may slide a little, leaving behind the thickest skid marks you’ll ever see (hence the name). Step four: clean up and flush TP in another toilet. Step five: get out of there – no doubt it smells, but more importantly no one should witness your presence. The real brilliance in this prank is that if left even for just a few minutes, it becomes impossible to remove the turd by flushing the toilet and requires someone to physically remove the pile by hand.

The Occupado
This one is extremely elaborate, but altogether safe. This prank is best for commercial, public or work environments. Depending on the number of stalls in your restroom, gather a pair of shoes, pants, and mannequin legs (or stuffing) for each stall. The night before or early that morning set up each stall to make it appear there is someone sitting inside – at least to someone looking under the stall and sees a pair for feet. Lock the stall doors and slide out from under the door. Tip: coordinate with your janitorial staff to ensure this prank will continue throughout the day – they shouldn’t have a problem taking a day off of cleaning the restroom.

The Chocolate Lantern (also know as The Lunar Lander)
This is by far the most difficult and risky* of all the pranks… and the meanest! You’ll need a plunger (the simple cheap kind, not the fancy inside-out ones) and a lot of patience. Note: this will NOT work on a drop ceiling, you need drywall. Carefully fill the plunger cavity with excrement** – preferably in a semi liquid state, use water or pee if you’ve got a collier on you hands. Now, with a moist paper towel, wet the edges of the plunger for a good seal. Stand on the toilet/sink/chair and affix the plunger to the ceiling. RISK: if you push too hard, excess “filler” will squirt from inside the plunger. Once placed on the ceiling, carefully unscrew the plunger shaft from the rubber end. RISK: if not properly sealed, the plunger could fall at any moment. Once the “pod” in place, take the shaft and leave! This prank come to fruition in one of two ways: 1) when the pod spontaneously detaches from the ceiling and explodes upon impact with the ground – bonus if someone is in the room; or 2) when someone notices the plunger cap on the ceiling and attempts to remove it.

* may result in criminal punishment.
**HINT: unscrew rubber end of plunger prior to filling.

I think this is a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure there are more out there. If you have any stories or pranks you’d like to share, please feel free.

#10 RJ::Moral Dilemma

Around mid-day, I made my way down to the local restroom. I noted that I was a little behind schedule, and quickly deduced that it was due to the long weekend. I began pondering what my next post should be about. It had been a while, a week or two at least. I had been juggling a couple different ideas over the weekend, and finally came to my decision: my new briefs.

Yeah, I know my underwear doesn't necessarily fall into the category of this blog, but I had just bought some new ones and was thoroughly impressed with their performance. But was I impressed enough to give a gushing product review? Yes, yes I was.

Men, you've seen the commercial with Michael Jordan and Charlie Sheen (previously co-staring Cuba Gooding Jr.) for Hanes Boxer Briefs; with their Comfort Soft waist band, tag-less inside and "no-rise" technology that keeps the legs from riding up. I had just recently bought a pack, and was surprised by the quality of the new briefs.

Over the past year or so, I've been slowly converting from boxers to boxer briefs. The biggest complaint I had thus far was the "riding up" of the leg portion of the briefs. Hanes has forever solved this problem - and I felt my reader(s) should know about it.

So there I sat, thinking of clever ways to describe under ware and justify how they applied to this blog. Once I had finished my deed, and felt had sufficient material for a post I began wrapping up my stall session... only there wasn't any toilet paper!

I had been so preoccupied in my thoughts, I had failed to notice the most basic of toiletry needs was missing. I took stock of my situation: there was no chance for a reach around (grab TP from stall next door), so I needed to move over a stall or two. A quick check for feet, and a peek at the sinks showed I was alone in the bathroom. I needed to act fast, as at any moment someone could walk in and trap me in my stall. I jumped into the next available stall and completed by business.

It was then that I realized I was now in the crux of a moral dilemma: should I go back and flush the turd in the previous stall or not?

On the one hand, if I don't flush the visibly used stall will serve as a warning to others that they should try a different stall. Also, if left untouched until the custodial engineer comes, it will punish him/her for not refilling the dispenser with TP.

Or, if you look at another way, its just gross. No one should have to see that. Even worse, it might distract the janitor from noticing that the stall is out of TP.

Ultimately, I took into account an unforeseen variable - someone walked into the bathroom as I was exiting stall two - and therefore I chose not to flush. Was it the right decision? I don't know.

What would you have done in this situation?

#9 RJ::Words to live by...

Back when I was in college (nearing ten years ago), a professor of mine gave some simple yet profound advice:

"Whenever you go on a job interview, make sure to check out the bathroom. A company that takes care of their bathrooms, will take care of there employees."

He also went on to clarify that you should be sure it's the employee bathroom and not the customer or executive bathroom.

So, even though I thought it was a little hokey at first, from that day on any job interview I went on I was sure to scope out a restroom or two. And to date, I am convinced of his simple wisdom as being true.

All that said, what does your work bathroom say about your employer, and do you agree?

#8 RJ::Leak

Typical morning; but isn't that how all adventures start? Popped into the office just a few minutes behind schedule, and was relieved to see that a friendly colleague had already started a pot of coffee. Grab a cup, and start the work day. About two cups later, a familiar urge hits the lower intestine. Time to go.

Topping off my coffee cup on the way out the door, I wave to another (less then friendly) colleague just making her way in (at the time I didn't see the significance of this bad omen). I checked my watch, hoping that I still had a few minutes before James, the local custodial engineer, made the rounds. No dice. So I made the quick trek up to the bathroom directly above. Swung open the door and stared... water was pouring like a fountain from between the ceiling tiles. Regained my composure, and dialed the facilities manager to alert him of the massive leak.

I wish I could say this was the first time I had to call in a bathroom failure, but I've been on the dialing end twice before. Same situation. Luckily, I was not having a bathroom emergency of my own, and I safely made it to the third restroom on my contingency route.

RJ::Dog Doos and Don'ts

I already see it at least three times a day, no need for a calendar...

This is definately a don't.

RJ::Trouble

Trouble is A-Brewing

Today I stepped into unchartered territory. Afternoon coffee. Now I know this may surprise a lot of you readers, but I generally shy away from the java after lunch – usually by then I am completely awake and can face the last half of the day without a stimulant. As expected, this irregular decision made a direct impact on my Regular Joes status, or to put it another way – made me irregular.

While I sat there in the restroom for a rare 3PM deuce, I was reminded of one of my most harrowing adventures in a public restroom. This dates back about two years ago…

[Cue dream sequence.]

I was attending an association meeting at an off site location. I had been there several times before so I was familiar with the bathroom and its equipment. These meetings are generally all day; however I usually duck out after lunch as to avoid getting pulled into a working group or committee. On the morning in question I recall feeling a little more fatigued then usual – either due to lack of sleep or the dry meeting material. As one might guess with coffee provided, I hit the sauce like a hobo on a ham sandwich. I can vividly remember the tiny 10oz Styrofoam coffee cups, that felt more like shot glasses then coffee cups, and having to make trip after trip to refill the dinky cup. Seriously, I hate those cups; you have a three second window to drink your coffee - between scalding hot coffee and iced coffee. I digress. I had finally settled into my seat as the morning presentations began. It wasn’t long before I felt a little uneasy – Stage 1. Shortly after, the first gas tremors began to rumble in my gut – Stage 2.

Knowing time was short – already at stage two of five in the classic emergency diarrhea scenario – I began to shuffle my papers and ready myself for a quick exit. Experience will tell you that the first two stages are critical warning signs to heed, as the onset of the last three stages comes quickly and in rapid fire. If you have not already made some preparations, it may already be too late.

I checked my watch, glanced at the agenda – “maybe I can hold out until the break, this guy is almost done with his slides,” I thought to myself. Immediately upon completion of that thought Stage 3 – uncontrolled butt clenching – struck. Here’s where most people start making mistakes. It’s a little known fact that once you’ve entered the third stage, you instantly move into Stage 4 – the sweats. We’ve all been there, it’s like there’s a heat lamp directly over your head. This is it. This is when panic sets in for those without an exit strategy. This is when people get hurt.

I made my move. Quickly and quietly I stood and briskly walked to the exit. I was a man on a mission, no eye contact, no hellos, no nothing – I would have walked past my own mother and not acknowledged or even recognized her. I was midway to the restroom when I entered Stage 5 – crowning. Some people will refer to it as a “peeking gopher,” or a “turtle’s head poking out;” either way if you aren’t in or around a bathroom at this point, you run the risk of ruining a perfectly good pair of briefs.
Had the bathroom been closed for cleaning, Lord knows what might have happened. With everyone else still in the meeting I had a moment alone to peacefully unload my burden. I breathed a sigh of relief and reflected back on how my calm and quick decisions helped me avoid disaster. I could hear the sound of applause from the conference room, and knew that soon a flood of attendees would soon spoil my moment.

The bathroom door slowly opened and the loud talking masses entered the restroom, it was then and only then that I noticed I had made a serious error – there wasn’t any toilet paper in my stall! The crowd of full bladdered men was still pouring in…I looked around – damn, no ass-gaskets (seat covers). I considered loosely pulling up my pants and maneuvering down to another stall, but on further investigation of the splatter-fest I had just endured, I realized that would not be an option. I was trapped. I would have to wait them out. Sit quietly in my stall of shame until every last man had finished his business, before waddling to the next stall – pants around my ankles. I lowered my head in defeat. How could I have let this happen? In my rush to the bathroom I lost my composure, and forgot the most basic of public restroom ground rules – don’t take the toilet paper for granted.

As I sat there replaying the events that led up to my predicament in my head, something caught my eye. I slowly turned to the left and there it was… just under the stall wall fluttering ever so slightly in the breeze (no doubt created by the massive influx of people into the confined space), was the smallest of TP pieces. It was hanging down from the stall next door. Could it be? Was I really saved? How much was on the roll? Would the other people in the restroom see me pulling the toilet paper from under the stall? Did the paper have enough tensile strength to withstand the extra distance of force I would apply?

In the end all those questions didn’t matter – there was no one in the next stall, so I had no choice but to go for it. I gingerly grasped the end of the sheet, and cautiously pulled it toward me. Once I had gathered a handful, I tore the paper using both hands to be sure I could reach it again if I needed more… and I did. I went back to the well three times before all was said and done. Did anyone see? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I had survived, and that was all that mattered. I like to think that given the same situation, MacGyver would have done the same thing (You know, what would Richard Dean Anderson do? - WWRDAD?).

[Fade to present.]

So there it is my friends, a cautionary tale. Heed the warning signs, plan ahead and adapt to your surroundings. Let’s be safe out there.