Have you ever taken your laptop into the bathroom with you? If so, were you in the safety of your own home, or did you have the audacity to take it into a public restroom stall?
Sure, I've busted out the blackberry for a quick game of brick-breaker during some of my longer episodes, but I've never crossed that line with a laptop. There's just something about having a computer resting on my bare legs, pounding on the keyboard while also pounding out deuce, then juggling the CPU in one hand while trying to wipe with the other - because there is no way in hell that I'm going to put it on the restroom floor - that doesn't appeal to me. Maybe if there were a tray-table of sorts that you could put your laptop on while in the stall and stow when not in use, then things might be different. [Note to self: file patent application for an in-stall tray-table.] Sometimes, I'll be sitting there and come up with a great idea for a blog [or invention] and wish I could quickly post it online before I get distracted with work or other life events. Similar to sex, there must be a chemical reaction that takes place in your head after evacuating your bowels that deletes every thought that came into your head during the action. If it weren't for a conversation that came up in the office, I may not have ever remembered this recent gem:
Between meetings one day last week, I ran into the nearest bathroom for a quick dump. Due to my haste, I failed to notice that there was an extremely limited amount of toilet paper on the roll. I literally did not have a "square to spare." I had to use the resources I had with Native American like efficiency. I survived. I walked out of that bathroom with my head held high - knowing I had been tested, and that I had passed. Only about a half hour later, after my following meeting, all the coffee I drank that morning needed to be released. I entered the same restroom without even a notion of what had transpired there mere 30 minutes earlier... until I saw it. It happened in slow motion: another gentleman who had entered the restroom before me walked into the stall I had previously cleared of toilet paper. I caught just a glimpse of the roll as he shut the door and confirmed it had not been restocked. I hesitated. I knew I should say something, but didn't. I just stood there at the urinal listening to him unfold the toilet seat protector and get himself situated. Every sound came in so crisp and clear, like my sense hearing was heightened to that of superhero or blind man. I slowly washed my hands, all the while waiting, no, expecting to hear him cry out for assistance. I stood for a moment after drying my hands. Looked at the door. Looked back at the stall. It was too late. How could I possibly explain to this guy that I knew he was out of toilet paper? I put my head down and walked out the door knowing that I had failed a much larger test that day. I had failed my fellow man.
I thought of a million excuses in the days following: they should have a flag system that you mark stalls that need attention or supplies, like a mailbox. [Note to self: file patent application for stall-flags.] In the end, I knew I could have done more, I could have prevented that situation from happening. Actions I could have taken, words not spoken.
You be the judge. Am I being too hard on myself - is there an unwritten "buyer beware" rule when it comes to public restrooms? What's your take?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
#15 RJ:: PSA - Double Down Deuce
Regular Joe's Public Service Announcement:
Warning (this is NOT a challenge) attempting to eat two of KFC's new Double Down "sandwiches" in one sitting will lead to an immovable brick which you will be unable to sh*t.
Results may vary.
Monday, August 17, 2009
RJ:: Contributitions to the Greater Web Community
Regular Joes makes a "big splash" on Stuff Christians Like blog.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
#14 RJ:: Literature
I was perusing the May issue of Maxim Magazine and found an interesting segment on the dos and don'ts of pitching a product (interviewing and sales situations). Best advice:
"Don't Eat Mexican. There is more than one story of someone who gambled and lost in their shorts. Execs don't take kindly to your ass putting their couch's Scotchguard to the test."
Carcaterra, Lorenzo; Life's a Pitch; Maxim Magazine Pages 55-57; May 2009.
"Don't Eat Mexican. There is more than one story of someone who gambled and lost in their shorts. Execs don't take kindly to your ass putting their couch's Scotchguard to the test."
Carcaterra, Lorenzo; Life's a Pitch; Maxim Magazine Pages 55-57; May 2009.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
#13 RJ:: Random Toughts
You'll probably never notice the pool of piss collected under the urinal until the day you realize there is a hole in the bottom of your shoe...
Monday, April 13, 2009
#12 RJ:: Inspiration
The question I hear the most here at Regular Joe's, is what inspired you to branch out in this form of expression? Okay, so it's usually not phrased exactly like that - more often it's, "where do you come up with this sh#t?!" My answer: Wally, from Dilbert. If he were a little taller, had more hair (for now), better eye sight, more motivation, a will to live, some self confidence, lost a little weight.... okay-okay, so except for his love of coffee, we are nothing alike. Still he inspires:
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
#11 RJ::April Fools Day Guide
Okay pranksters. You’ve been asking for a Regular Joe’s guide to April Fools Day, so here it is. For those of you who may be timid, we’ll start of slow and get more elaborate (read dangerous) as we go.
The Elaine (of Seinfeld fame)
Here’s one for those of you who don’t want to get their hands dirty: take all the paper products from the restroom. That means TP, paper towels, seat covers, news paper – everything. And don’t be lazy and hide them in the garbage can or supply closet, put them in you co-workers office!
The Sponge Bob
This is the quick and dirty prank of the bunch, and as you might expect, possibly the simplest and easiest to pull off as well – at least for men. First and only step: pee on the roll of toilet paper until drenched. If you are a kind hearted prankster, you’ll pull off some of the TP to use as a sort of drip-pan under the roll.
The Upper Decker
This one is a classic. The genius is in the simplicity and the relative ease at which it can be accomplished. In a residential or tank-style toilet, remove the cover to the back tank. Do your business in said tank, and replace cover. Be careful, as this prank can backfire without the proper precautions: make sure your pooh does not hit the inner workings (exposed plumbing) of the tank. Try and get the log(s) to land in the water portion of the tank. Hitting the plumbing may result in the odor to be too prevalent and lead to early detection by your victim – and of course if they catch you; you will in turn be the victim – and have to clean up your own prank.
The Mud Slide
Lesser know, but equally as effective. In this situation, you’ll need a commercial style toilet (more elongated then the residential version) and a low waterline. This can be tricky, and for some may require practice. Step one: void your bladder in another toilet/urinal; you will need a clean DRY surface on the target toilet. Step two: scoot as far forward as possible on the toilet seat. The risk here, is that if you haven’t already peed, you will likely end up peeing on your chinos. Step three: dump – if done properly, the log will stick to the dry surface of the toilet and remain exposed to the air (creating a horrific smell). Often the turd may slide a little, leaving behind the thickest skid marks you’ll ever see (hence the name). Step four: clean up and flush TP in another toilet. Step five: get out of there – no doubt it smells, but more importantly no one should witness your presence. The real brilliance in this prank is that if left even for just a few minutes, it becomes impossible to remove the turd by flushing the toilet and requires someone to physically remove the pile by hand.
The Occupado
This one is extremely elaborate, but altogether safe. This prank is best for commercial, public or work environments. Depending on the number of stalls in your restroom, gather a pair of shoes, pants, and mannequin legs (or stuffing) for each stall. The night before or early that morning set up each stall to make it appear there is someone sitting inside – at least to someone looking under the stall and sees a pair for feet. Lock the stall doors and slide out from under the door. Tip: coordinate with your janitorial staff to ensure this prank will continue throughout the day – they shouldn’t have a problem taking a day off of cleaning the restroom.
The Chocolate Lantern (also know as The Lunar Lander)
This is by far the most difficult and risky* of all the pranks… and the meanest! You’ll need a plunger (the simple cheap kind, not the fancy inside-out ones) and a lot of patience. Note: this will NOT work on a drop ceiling, you need drywall. Carefully fill the plunger cavity with excrement** – preferably in a semi liquid state, use water or pee if you’ve got a collier on you hands. Now, with a moist paper towel, wet the edges of the plunger for a good seal. Stand on the toilet/sink/chair and affix the plunger to the ceiling. RISK: if you push too hard, excess “filler” will squirt from inside the plunger. Once placed on the ceiling, carefully unscrew the plunger shaft from the rubber end. RISK: if not properly sealed, the plunger could fall at any moment. Once the “pod” in place, take the shaft and leave! This prank come to fruition in one of two ways: 1) when the pod spontaneously detaches from the ceiling and explodes upon impact with the ground – bonus if someone is in the room; or 2) when someone notices the plunger cap on the ceiling and attempts to remove it.
* may result in criminal punishment.
**HINT: unscrew rubber end of plunger prior to filling.
I think this is a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure there are more out there. If you have any stories or pranks you’d like to share, please feel free.
The Elaine (of Seinfeld fame)
Here’s one for those of you who don’t want to get their hands dirty: take all the paper products from the restroom. That means TP, paper towels, seat covers, news paper – everything. And don’t be lazy and hide them in the garbage can or supply closet, put them in you co-workers office!
The Sponge Bob
This is the quick and dirty prank of the bunch, and as you might expect, possibly the simplest and easiest to pull off as well – at least for men. First and only step: pee on the roll of toilet paper until drenched. If you are a kind hearted prankster, you’ll pull off some of the TP to use as a sort of drip-pan under the roll.
The Upper Decker
This one is a classic. The genius is in the simplicity and the relative ease at which it can be accomplished. In a residential or tank-style toilet, remove the cover to the back tank. Do your business in said tank, and replace cover. Be careful, as this prank can backfire without the proper precautions: make sure your pooh does not hit the inner workings (exposed plumbing) of the tank. Try and get the log(s) to land in the water portion of the tank. Hitting the plumbing may result in the odor to be too prevalent and lead to early detection by your victim – and of course if they catch you; you will in turn be the victim – and have to clean up your own prank.
The Mud Slide
Lesser know, but equally as effective. In this situation, you’ll need a commercial style toilet (more elongated then the residential version) and a low waterline. This can be tricky, and for some may require practice. Step one: void your bladder in another toilet/urinal; you will need a clean DRY surface on the target toilet. Step two: scoot as far forward as possible on the toilet seat. The risk here, is that if you haven’t already peed, you will likely end up peeing on your chinos. Step three: dump – if done properly, the log will stick to the dry surface of the toilet and remain exposed to the air (creating a horrific smell). Often the turd may slide a little, leaving behind the thickest skid marks you’ll ever see (hence the name). Step four: clean up and flush TP in another toilet. Step five: get out of there – no doubt it smells, but more importantly no one should witness your presence. The real brilliance in this prank is that if left even for just a few minutes, it becomes impossible to remove the turd by flushing the toilet and requires someone to physically remove the pile by hand.
The Occupado
This one is extremely elaborate, but altogether safe. This prank is best for commercial, public or work environments. Depending on the number of stalls in your restroom, gather a pair of shoes, pants, and mannequin legs (or stuffing) for each stall. The night before or early that morning set up each stall to make it appear there is someone sitting inside – at least to someone looking under the stall and sees a pair for feet. Lock the stall doors and slide out from under the door. Tip: coordinate with your janitorial staff to ensure this prank will continue throughout the day – they shouldn’t have a problem taking a day off of cleaning the restroom.
The Chocolate Lantern (also know as The Lunar Lander)
This is by far the most difficult and risky* of all the pranks… and the meanest! You’ll need a plunger (the simple cheap kind, not the fancy inside-out ones) and a lot of patience. Note: this will NOT work on a drop ceiling, you need drywall. Carefully fill the plunger cavity with excrement** – preferably in a semi liquid state, use water or pee if you’ve got a collier on you hands. Now, with a moist paper towel, wet the edges of the plunger for a good seal. Stand on the toilet/sink/chair and affix the plunger to the ceiling. RISK: if you push too hard, excess “filler” will squirt from inside the plunger. Once placed on the ceiling, carefully unscrew the plunger shaft from the rubber end. RISK: if not properly sealed, the plunger could fall at any moment. Once the “pod” in place, take the shaft and leave! This prank come to fruition in one of two ways: 1) when the pod spontaneously detaches from the ceiling and explodes upon impact with the ground – bonus if someone is in the room; or 2) when someone notices the plunger cap on the ceiling and attempts to remove it.
* may result in criminal punishment.
**HINT: unscrew rubber end of plunger prior to filling.
I think this is a pretty comprehensive list, but I’m sure there are more out there. If you have any stories or pranks you’d like to share, please feel free.
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